my first sign
was that breakdown
between two flights
in a restroom
at Luton airport
my body telling me
home has dissolved
something's terribly wrong
but I didn't
understand then
how little this place
has made me feel
little because
I was given a box
to squeeze myself into
even if it hurts
even if it doesn't fit
I tried my best
to keep magic
within a surface
that wasn't big enough
the feeling of four walls sliding closer
trying to push my soul in
while it was screaming
like an animal
like an animal
in slaughter line
all my frustration
got confused with madness
so I blamed myself
for being unhappy
and I tried harder
to be quiet and soft
accepting my role
like a good girl who
has no fire of her own
everywhere around me
caring eyes saying
"we want you happy but
we won't let you leave"
then fast forward
fast forward
to this moment
the last sign came
as if it pushed me over the edge
as if someone snapped their fingers
woke me from hypnosis
it's all so simple
suddenly I stood up
with the endless pride and longing
I carry in my spine
realising
those tears have been as real
as laughters and orgasms
and music when it holds no limits
now knowing
my songs will be
a reason for me
to leave again
to live again
to freakin'
love again
'cause you can say
"life doesn't work that way"
but I will write my own bible
along the road
maybe your life doesn't
but mine does
mine fucking does
how else would there ever be
poetry and butterflies
and those little moments
we call freedom
so I guess
this isn't goodbye
(I'm grateful and all)
but it's a break
or it's a start
worth feeling in
your skeptical guts
