slaughter line

my first sign
was that breakdown
between two flights
in a restroom
at Luton airport

my body telling me
home has dissolved
something's terribly wrong
but I didn't
understand then
how little this place
has made me feel

little because
I was given a box
to squeeze myself into

even if it hurts

even if it doesn't fit

I tried my best

to keep magic

within a surface

that wasn't big enough

and there it was

the feeling of four walls sliding closer

trying to push my soul in

while it was screaming
like an animal

in slaughter line

all my frustration
got confused with madness

so I blamed myself
for being unhappy
and I tried harder
to be quiet and soft
accepting my role
like a good girl who
has no fire of her own

everywhere around me
caring eyes saying
"we want you happy but
we won't let you leave"

then fast forward
fast forward
to this moment

the last sign came
as if it pushed me over the edge
as if someone snapped their fingers
woke me from hypnosis

it's all so simple

suddenly I stood up
with the endless pride and longing
I carry in my spine

realising
those tears have been as real
as laughters and orgasms
and music when it holds no limits

now knowing
my songs will be
a reason for me
to leave again
to live again

to freakin'
love again

'cause you can say
"life doesn't work that way"
but I will write my own bible
along the road
maybe your life doesn't
but mine does
mine fucking does

how else would there ever be
poetry and butterflies
and those little moments
we call freedom

so I guess
this isn't goodbye
(I'm grateful and all)
but it's a break
or it's a start
worth feeling in
your skeptical guts

human hunting

they say boys hunt pleasure
and that's the recipe
to this merry-go-round

well, maybe I've gone mad lately
or maybe I don't
cook outta the books

who are these men
calling themselves scientists

the hands that hold
rifles against their women
in the name of
their own lust

and then please

explain to me
how the carousel can keep going
with me putting sticks
in its wheels

there is not enough sugar
to cover up
biological bullshit

maybe I'm a boy then

falling in love

every third night or so
with a sharp as hell

spear in my hands

a través del duende

backstreets before boulevards, I will tell him

treasures are found here

and secrets kept

beautiful men like yourself

walking their dogs

getting lost in

optical illusions 

I wish to be lost

I wish to be lost
carried away
from insecurity
helplessly happy
in storms of breaths
of insanity
and lust
I wish to be lost

I wish to be lost
in nightskies
then returned
surrendered
swimming
spit out by waves
on the shore
where you met me
namelessly
carelessly ready
to make sense

I wish to be found
but I'm not yet a treasure
I need to get ugly
before I can sparkle
I need to be forgotten
so I can be discovered

I wish to be lost
so lost in mistakes
and rebirths and retakes
that I deserve
to be found

surfing through the head of John Malkovich

'this town is so grey', he says
and wonders
where I would go

I close my eyes
and smile
as it tickles
my whole body

the endless things
he doesn't know

inside my head
hundreds and thousands of
little colorful fishes

get drunk with me when the apocalypse comes

if I would live my life
as if today would be
the last day on earth

trust me

this would
actually be
my last day on earth

now or never

I wish you
to leave your childhood town
and never return

jeopardise and stand face to face
with life itself

I wish you to
leave your toothbrush
on the basin

just fucking leave
and get a new one

in a corner shop
miles away
from home